The New United States of America

At the risk of being divisive, I feel I must post the following amusement. The author is anonymous, though some trace the original message to San Francisco’s Craigslist boards (big surprise). I removed some of the stuff that I didn’t like and added some bits of my own (in blue). Remember, this is all in good fun. Will return to a tone of unity in my next entry.

Dear Red States,

We’ve decided we’re leaving. We intend to form our own country, and we’re taking the other Blue States with us. In case you aren’t aware, that includes California, Hawaii, Oregon, Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and the entire Northeast. We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation, and especially to the people of the New United States of America.

To sum up briefly: You get Texas, Oklahoma, and all the slave states. We get stem cell research and the best beaches. We get the Statue of Liberty. You get Dollywood. We get Intel, Microsoft, and Apple. You get WorldCom. We get Harvard. You get Ole’ Miss. We get 85 percent of America’s venture capital and entrepreneurs. You get Alabama. We get two-thirds of the tax revenue, you get to do what you’ve always wanted and cut taxes to the point that there are no government services beyond an unnecessarily strong defense and millions of miles of asphalt.

Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than the Christian Coalition’s, I’m sorry to report we’ll have fewer broken families — whether they are gay or straight. Please be aware that the New United States will be pro-choice and anti-war, and we’re going to want all our citizens back from Iraq at once. We do wish you success in Iraq, and hope that the WMDs turn up, but we’re not willing to spend our resources in Bush’s Quagmire.

With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80 percent of the country’s fresh water, 92 percent of the nation’s fresh fruit, 95 percent of America’s quality wines, 90 percent of all cheese, 90 percent of the high tech industry, most of the U.S. low-sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy and Seven Sister schools plus Stanford, Cal Tech, and MIT. With the Red States, on the other hand, you will have to cope with 88 percent of all obese Americans (and their projected health care costs), 92 percent of all U.S. mosquitoes, nearly 100 percent of the tornadoes, 90 percent of the hurricanes, virtually 100 percent of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, and Bob Jones University. We get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you.

But it’s not all bad for the Old United States! You’ll keep most of the oil and gas resources, and you’re welcome to continue a 20th-century dependence on the car. We’ll be forced to pass legislation and adequately fund mass transit, smart city planning, and renewable energy. It’s a sacrifice and future we’re happy to live with.

Additionally, 38 percent of those in the Red states believe Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale; 62 percent believe life is sacred unless we’re discussing the war, the death penalty, or gun laws; 44 percent say that evolution is only a theory; 53 percent that Saddam was involved in 9/11; and 61 percent of you believe you are people with higher morals then we lefties.

All that said, this is not an unmitigated split. The trade borders between our countries will be open as we intend to import much of your fine music and we’re sure you’ll want some movies. Not a bad trade.

Best of luck,
Blue States

Comments

[Janean Parker]

Utterly brilliant. I guess I'll be forced to move to a blue state now. How awful! ;)

[Sheri]

This is absolutely brilliant! (sorry I stoled from the comment above but nothing else describes it well enough.) Thank goodness I live in CA!!!